There are lots of things that make me feel extremes of emotion.
For a long time i thought that was wrong, to get so moved by someone/something that it brings tears, sleepless nights or overwhelming love. It runs in the family (my Dad cries at beautiful music) and i grew up watching him being affected by various things that happened in our lives. Getting moody, needing time alone or crying watching his grandchildren.
I always thought being like him made me slightly 'not right'. I saw how my Mum would become exasperated by what she thought of as overreactions. Maybe fighting against it is what made me so unhappy. Trying to breeze through life, well it's just not possible or, as i have discovered, something to strive for.
I like that my Dad and i cry at music. Isn't it amazing when you hear something that you identify with? A melody that transports you to a place in your past, painful or otherwise. Don't you love it when you see a film and it creeps under your skin so you can't stop thinking about it?
I adore the excitement i feel at something i've wanted becoming real - the funny feeling in my throat and the flippy upside down reaction of my heart. I want to be capable of feeling that always.
I can't get enough of the head spin i get when i'm so turned on that every single nerve in my body is on fire. Electricity running through veins and my mind barely belonging to me anymore.
So what i'm trying to say is that i'm content. Not bored, not trying to fit in or simply exist but at ease with things as they are. And it's a nice feeling that i'm really hoping lasts.
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4 comments:
Good for you n; being content is great.
And I think being able to cry freely is very healthy.
I smiled/frowned at your description of your mother's exasperation with your father. People who aren't so emotional/react from the gut or however you want to word it often either love the expression of those extremes, the freedom some have to simply allow the emotion to burst out... or find them distasteful or embarassing. I'm happy to read that you are, for now, living it and enjoying it.
I have thought for years that there must be something wrong with me because I cant cry when anything major happens. I have never cried over the early death of my dad or my own cancer. I always felt that was unhealthy as I got no release and it must come crashing down on me at some point. But I can cry over a book or a movie which are not personal to me. I also cry with pride over my kids.
I am also fairly contented just now and have been for a week or so. I think I just decided to accept the way things are for now and not expect too much.
Oohh I really enjoy a good cry. Although when I had cancer I stopped crying for about a year it was just too tough. But now where are the kleenex....
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