The Past

I saw somebody yesterday.
11 years ago my first proper boyfriend dumped me and i decided that was it. No more falling in love, not me, no way.
I was going to be aloof, detached. Let them come to me.
This was how i ended up with a married man 16 years my senior.

I think it was my apparent disinterest that got him. He saw me as a challenge. Why is that, by the way? As soon as you are not bothered about being attached or not, they want you. Typical.
Anyway.....
I'd been lonely and he gave me lots of attention, the sort that a boy my own age couldn't possibly have given. He took me to nice places, complimented me, everything a university student couldn't.

There was one problem. Try as i might i didn't feel anything between us. He was caring and kind but there was no buzz. No butterflies when he called, no sinking feeling when he didn't. No stirring between my legs when he looked into my eyes.

We didn't last long, he wanted more, to leave his wife and be with me on a permanent basis. There was no way i could have let it continue. I felt terrible. I had tried to be one of those girls who seems to be able to flit from guy to guy without a care but i just couldn't do it.

On the night it ended we sat in his car in an empty car park. He told me all he could offer, told me he loved me. I started to cry. There was this man who always acted like such a big shot opening his heart, exposing his vulnerability. I told him how i was scared, too scared to ever let go again.

I still remember the kindest look in his eyes as he held me until the tears stopped. Then he let me go.

I will never forget him and that night. It was the moment i realised i still believed in love and that even with all the misery and hurt it could bring, i still wanted it. Without it there was no passion or intensity, extremes or exhilaration.

We passed each other in the car yesterday morning. He was grinning and waving madly. It was good to see him again.