J was reading my blog yesterday. He says he's not sure if he understands it all and that some of the things i write scare him.
It's not the girl fantasy stuff or the descriptions of what i want to do with him. They turn him on. It's the posts like 'Butterflies'
When i started this blog it was supposed to be about the sex J and i have. I suppose it was naive to think that's all it would be. I couldn't help but empty my head of all my other thoughts, especially when i read other people's blogs and their writing moves me so much. It makes me feel less alone.
The things that scare J are the 'mental bits' as he calls them. He says he doesn't know that person and he worries. He worries where i'll end up and that he isn't enough for me. He is such an amazing person. Kind, hardworking, loving, sexy and he takes care of us. I'm sorry i cause him such worry. It was never my intention to upset him. I've always been this person, i guess no one really gets to know what is in your head till you publish it.
I do feel strange when i see him at the computer reading my mind. I blush, i know i do and i sometimes wish it was private. I want his approval and when he is unsure he says very little, leaving me to wonder what he thinks, the person whose opinion matters most.
Sorry my lovely, lovely husband. Please, please trust me.
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About Me
- n
- Sometimes lost, sometimes found
I like to read.....
- Alex and Suze
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8 comments:
when I began my blog I allowed some of my lovers to read it. several of them said that more than the sexual bits they liked the more personal bits that told them more about who I am.
Sometimes I worry when I think someone like Forest might read it. It wasn't a problem when we were just online friends but now that we are involved to a degree I wander what he makes of the paranoid ramblings. I know he does still read. He tends to have catching up sessions, but he never makes any comments. At first I agonised over whether I should or could write anything about him. But then figured that he had loved reading it before so I should just continue and if he doesnt like anything then its upto him to either stop reading or tell me how he feels.
In your case I would say that its a good starting point for you to be able to talk about your feelings. I would also say that writing your 'mental bits' is a release which will help to ensure that you stay sane.
Well, as you know, shortly after starting my blog I allowed someone I was getting heavily involved with to read it. I still wonder whether things would have been different if I hadn't - it certainly complicated matters when it all collapsed.
I now have my kid sister reading me, which is strange. I have tried not to let it influence what I write, but you never know. We discuss what I post sometimes (even though she files a lot of it under "TMI"), and she's aware that there are things that go on that aren't blogged.
And that's my advice to you, really. As long as J never feels that what you blog is the whole story, and that you're constantly talking about the bits you don't write about (and there will always be plenty of those), you'll be fine. Maintain the trust, and everything else will follow.
Yep, that's a toughy, isn't it? That's why I won't let any lovers know my blog. Hunk keeps asking, but I don't want him to know the inner thoughts, just the shell of me! But then, I'm not married to him!
When we started blogging we did it as a joint thing. I can't imagine not sharing the experience with me now.
Perhaps he would feel more comfortable being a part of it. Does he want to write?
Either way it's good to let out you feelings and emotions and if this blog is your release then that's good.
I'm sure he will feel less threatened now that he is reading your posts, it just takes time.
When I started blogging it was at the suggestion of my lover. I was used to him reading what I wrote, about sex and not, although there was stuff I had written about having sex with him that he hadn't seen (I'm a compulsive chronicler of every detail of my life). I think he's objective enough about how I write for it not to bother me that he reads me - he knows what I write about him will not necessarily be from the same angle that he would have written it, that I will write about other men, and that some of what I write he will hate (this last bit is actually the hardest thing for me to get over: it doesn't stop me writing it, but it does make me hover over the "publish" button for a little longer).
But he also knows there are no secret messages to him in what I write - I don't use the blog to communicate with him. It sounds as though you and J are using the blog to communicate in a way, and that's fine, so long as you both accept that you will have to keep the channels of communication open when you write something that he's uncomfortable with. I suspect that the longer you do it, the easier it will be to use what you write constructively... but yes, trust is paramount: not least because you are writing for J, but also throwing it out to other people's interpretations, advice, and possibly influence.
Two other lovers now read what I write. It bothers me, to an extent, because the deal when I started writing was not with them. But I'm stubborn, so I try to stay true to my original intention, regardless of who is reading.
It's a strange thing we do (and sorry, this is a bloody long comment!).
Thank you all. I never knew how much your comments were going to mean to me .
LIR - it IS keeping me sane, whatever that is!x
Man - Trust is key, you are right. Thank you x
Vi - It is odd how you think they know you but then how can they know exactly what is in your head? And then you go and write it down! Doh!x
Suze - J doesn't want to write but we have talked and things less muddled as a result!x
Z - Long comment away, your advice is valued.x
Hi N - I'm throwing in my two cents too if that's ok.
I also have my husband read my blog just to let him know that I am not up to anything licivious - but in all honesty, I wish I could share all my liciviousness WITH HIM without fear of judgement or freak out on his part. I think what I am identifying with here in your post is that awful feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you feel you are scaring your partner, the disconnect from him and the vast gap that is created between the two of you when your partner looks at you differently. It's really just fear. Fear of loosing you, fear of pushing comfort zones, fear, fear, fear. You have to hold on for the ride while they work their shit out. That's why you are partners, no? To navigate life together, no matter how frightening the next step is. Wishing you lots of happiness with Mr. N ;)
g - you hit the nail right on the head there. I think the reason he got so mad at me was he was scared. It took everyone elses comments to make me realise, shame he couldn't say it. x
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