lick into shape

Thanks

2007-10-07T15:29:00.000-07:00

So here it is, the last part of this story i have been telling to myself as well as to anyone who should happen to stop by and read.

So much has happened to me since the day i wrote my first post. If you have read me before you will know how much this whole experience has meant to me.
I know, i know, its just a blog but it has been both a support and a catalyst.
It doesn't feel right to keep this going now so i'm off, but i'm not going back to my little life.
I have a blank piece of paper in front of me and i'm going to fill it with a big fat dose of reality. A reality i can't wait to get hold of.

I can't explain what all your comments have done for me. I don't want to sound dramatic so i'll just say 'Thanks xxx' and be on my way.

Roller Coaster

2007-09-27T16:09:00.000-07:00

He lowered himself into the deep bath. It was a little too hot, the sort he had to take his time getting into as his body acclimatised. He slowly crouched until he was sat down and stretched out as far as possible. Bending his knees up he sank down until the bubbles touched his chin. He closed his eyes as the heat engulfed his body.

When he opened them again, he saw her sat precariously on the linen basket, writing a list. She liked lists. The yellow post it notes she favoured could be found all over. Shopping lists, presents, jobs to do and some more interesting ones too. Once she wrote a list just for him. Her top 5 desires. He smiled to himself at the memory. They had ticked off all of them long ago.

Her robe had slipped open. One pale breast exposed where the fabric should have overlapped. The silk had also slipped off her thigh and underneath he could see the curve of her bottom, the place he loved to lightly bite. He began to get hard. Underwater his cock began to grow. He watched himself through a gap in the foam.

Attention taken from her writing, she saw a sultry look cross his face. She walked across the room and perched on the edge of the bath.
He grinned.

'Hello you.'

'Hello yourself', she said back, nodding towards the erection now just poking out of the water.

She thought he looked delicious lying there, wet, warm, totally relaxed apart from his cock, which was ready for action. Unable to resist she rolled up her sleeve and reached for him, feeling under the water to where the hardness began. Back on her feet she untied her belt and let the robe slip off her shoulders and onto the floor.

'Move up baby'.

She stepped into the bath and wrapped her legs around his sides.

'I'm going to wash you'.

Pouring bodywash into her palm she felt content to be doing this for him. A creamy lather formed in her hands and she began to stroke it all over his shoulders and chest. Her soapy fingers slipped around his body, over his nipples and under his arms, feeling the hairs she liked so much.

With a smile on his lips he watched her as she focused on cleansing, rubbing and scrubbing. Her concentration amused him at first. He liked all the attention she was giving his body, the intimacy.
Strangely overwhelmed, he pulled her closer and kissed her deeply, trying to express his appreciation. It was a kiss that took away her breath. Kissing him back, tongues searching, devouring each other, bodies trying to get impossibly close while their legs slipped and squeaked against the sides of the bath. They climbed out still kissing, holding on to each others wet arms for support. Onto the bath mat, treading on each others toes, knees banging into knees, his cock pressing against her pubic bone.

Still wet they stumbled towards the bed, his kisses and lip biting led her there like a dance, damp footprints left behind. They fell on the bed, him on top. Bathwater dripped from his hair onto her cheeks as the frantic kisses stopped. No need for translation, the eyes spoke a million words in a language only they could understand. She arched her back and spread her legs wider to enable him to get close. 'Closer' was her silent plea. Stomachs together, arms pressed against arms, fingers intertwined. This was slow, hard, gut wrenching. Controlled physically but emotional touchpaper. All too much to comprehend she closed her eyes and let the sex take control. It was a roller coaster but one she knew, although the sheer height, twists and jolts continued to surprise her. She knew if she opened her eyes it would be to the unknown. She kept them closed until hours later she fell asleep, his beautiful body still wrapped around her in the damp bed.

Base

2007-09-24T12:04:00.000-07:00

Sometimes i would like to get what i want without having to ask for it.

I want controlling, instructing, ordering. Let me see a look on your face that tells me you have been consumed by, wrapped up in and completely flooded by lust. Then i will feel it.....passion, heat, thrill and your power over me.....all the emotions that i am discovering are a necessity to me.

Alone i can pretend that i am that girl. She doesn't feel guilty or selfish. She deserves to get everything she desires. She gets more than what she even knew was out there. Do you know why?
Because when someone gives her those things (and as a gift - no pay back required) they get the absolute best of her. Simple but so hard to achieve.

She can be tested, pushed, stretched beyond limits and left in a crumpled heap, panting, exhausted.
She has her eyes open and is breathing it all in, that's why.

So, how can you expect to get what you want if you don't ask for it? What i am struggling with is the fact that i think it has got to be an essential part and at the core of someone to give like that. If that isn't the case then can they learn it? Would it feel as good? It is a base emotion, you either have it or you don't. Am i wrong?

11am

2007-09-21T02:53:00.000-07:00

In the hours that had passed between leaving the office and the 10.30am bus ride she had been unable to keep control.

Piles of discarded underwear lay on her bedroom floor, different skirts, blouses; she had even tried on her fishnets, blushing at her obviousness and pushing them to the back of the drawer. Settling on a rich, dark purple set that contrasted with her pale skin, she spent a restless night guessing and anticipating.

What was his definition of punishment? The element of fear was certainly thrilling but was she out of her depth? What limits did she have and would he go beyond them if she asked him to stop? After all she did not know this man on a personal level, merely obeyed his instructions as to the work he wanted her to do. However she knew how he ran his hand through the back of his hair while he mulled over a problem, she watched carefully when he would occasionally close his eyes and and lean back in his chair. How she wanted to kiss him, place her lips on his while his eyes were shut.

She opened the office door at exactly 11am. By deliberately not arriving early she had attempted to gain some of the control but as soon as he turned around any confidence slipped away.

'Stand here please', he said, pointing to the space next to his chair and desk.

She stood there, hoping he couldn't hear the way each breath faltered.

'Undress'

He turned back to his computer screen as she carefully took off each item, placing them on the desk. Inside she was screaming, 'Why? Why aren't you watching me strip for you?' But no words would come. Everything gone she stood, just waiting, flushed with anger and arousal.

He turned his chair to face her and removed his glasses. He leaned closer and his eyes travelled up her body, slowly, as if he was trying to memorise every part.

'Make yourself come as you did yesterday'

She suddenly felt strangely disappointed. Was this all he wanted? To watch her masturbate in his chair?

He got up and offered his seat. When she didn't raise her leg as before, he gripped her ankle and placed her foot up on the desk exposing her, pink and glistening. Again she began stroking and as the blissful feelings began to overtake her body she lost her inhibitions and moved her fingers just as she liked. Fast, fast, slow, drawing out and elongating the ecstasy. Bringing herself to the brink, she finally let go, gushing over her fingers and the leather of his chair.

'Mmmmm......good girl'

The large wet patch made her feel ashamed and proud at the same time. Was that it she wondered?

'On your feet please.'

He helped her out of the chair once more. She reached for her pile of clothes.

'Did i say get dressed?'

These words sent sparks through her veins, reaching every nerve, every pore, every hair on her body.

'Bend over.' He pointed to the arm of his chair.

Barely considering the vulnerability of this position, she bent over, her tummy resting on the wide leather arm. She supported her upper body with her elbows and watched his reflection in the monitor as he removed his belt.
Panic. Is this going to really hurt? Somehow the invisible rope of lust and her willingness to submit to him tied her there.

'Tilt your hips'
She obliged.

She gasped. It wasn't the belt.
Hot and hard he skillfully slid his cock inside her. With every stroke she felt the warmth of his body against her bare arse. The intense and rhythmic thrusts causing such heat. Slowly at first, creeping from the tips of her toes, up the inside of her thighs, down her arms, over her breasts, filling her head. She let him take over. Right there in that moment she belonged to him.

Her arms gave way and her face fell onto the seat.

'Smell where you came, taste it.'

He placed his hand on her hair, the other on her hip.
Everything was telling her this was wrong, dirty, obscene even. It was that thought that made her press her face into the pool of her come, smear it all over her cheeks and drink in the smell.
As the power of her orgasm built, her pussy gripped him so tight, almost pushing him out of her. He grabbed both hips to steady himself as her jolting frame surrounded his cock. He thrust again, pushing himself so deep as he came inside her.

She lay panting, shaking, weak. He helped her up onto her trembling legs, and turned her around to face him. She was totally out of her depth. Completely vulnerable. She had unearthed a whole new self that even she had no clue existed.

He cradled her elbows as she stepped back into her skirt and held out her blouse as if aiding her with a coat. Almost within reach of reality she was able to put on her shoes and make towards her desk.

'Wait.'

He leaned forward, held her face in his hands and kissed her lips so tenderly.

'Thank you'.

Mr. Stevens

2007-09-17T11:49:00.000-07:00

A little bit of escapism.

A little part-time work, something to keep her mind active, that was what was needed.
And so that is how she had become P.A. to Mr. Stevens. It was only a couple of hours a day but she enjoyed the Independence it gave her. There was also another reason.

Ever since the first morning spent in his company, her private thoughts were occupied by fantasies and scenarios. He had shown her all the things that were expected of her in a polite but authoritative way and then left her to get on with her work.

Why was this man effecting her in this way? For the first time in her life she felt so keen to please, to make his coffee just right and everytime he spoke to her she was certain he saw her blushes. The hours before work had become part of the excitement. Choosing just the right outfit, smart enough to look efficient, elegant enough to attract his attention.The perfect shade of lipstick just in case he should glance at her mouth, her lips as she spoke.

Walking to his office the butterflies would intensify and she had to try to calm herself down before they would be in the same room where her desire to be noticed was almost audible.
She wondered, had he seen her eyes watching him as he sat at his desk?
Had he noticed the stockings she wore and the way she crossed her legs to expose a hint of lace?
Had he felt her warmth, seen her breasts in that sheer white bra as she leaned over him just a little too close, just a little too far, as she brought him his coffee?

Her behaviour almost embarrassed her but she was unable to stop, such was her need to be touched by this man. The tension was so uncontainable that crashing through her door after work she would run upstairs, lay across her bed and place her hand in her knickers and stroke the wetness pooled between her lips.

This weeks work promised to be uneventful as Mr.Stevens was to be away from his office. She was sure he had seen the disappointment flash across her face before she had regained her composure. On with her work.

The large, oak desk, the leather chair, the keyboard touched by his fingers, the smell of this room twisted her insides, flooded her senses.

She sat in his chair, pushing it from side to side. Imagining his hands, his arms, his shoulders, she squeezed her thighs tight.
Could she be wet already?
Stroking her nipples through her bra she slipped off her heels, stretching and arching her back. Buttons were undone, zips pulled down, knickers dropped to the base of the chair. This was so unlike her and it thrilled her to strip, here in this office.

With one leg up on his desk she stroked and circled her clit, gasping as she brushed past her special place. Getting faster, wetter, her fingers worked her body well, back and bottom lifting off the seat.

Suddenly she felt a hand on her wrist. Eyes wide she looked at him.

'Come', he instructed.

'Yes.....'

Quickly her juices spilled onto the leather and droplets of her satisfaction rolled to the top of her stocking.
He took hold of her fingers and put them on her lips which she licked, their eyes locked.

'Good girl. Now get dressed.'

He held her hand as she stood up.

'Back to work please'.

'Yes. Yes Mr.Stevens'.

Sat at her desk still shaking he spoke into her ear.

'I think you should be punished, don't you?'

Unable to speak she just nodded.

'Be here at 11am'.

Before he left her side he ran a fingertip from her earlobe to her collarbone.

'Don't be late'.

What I Know Today

2007-09-16T02:38:00.000-07:00

On a scrap of paper i have the final post i was going to make.

You have probably seen it coming, the difficulties i have in writing what i want to say without hurting J but at the same time being true. It all got too much and in the middle of a hideous storm; emotion, hurt, confusion all flying around wildly, it was decided that was it . No more blog.

NO. MORE. BLOG.

If that is what it takes, i am prepared to do it. Give it all up. Stop doing something i have come to love. Maybe this seems silly but i have cried buckets over the thought of not being able to write. I know what i have to say isn't ground breaking or especially clever but the relief i have felt in the past couple of months has been utterly overwhelming and so incredibly reassuring that i've wept. Many times. This has been simply the most amazing discovery and thank you all for letting me in. Reading your words has made me feel less alone than i ever thought possible.

Skulking around the playground on Friday pick up, wearing huge sunglasses to cover my smeared mascara and red eyes ( i really am the worlds most unattractive crier) it hit me. I am not a victim. Stop feeling so sorry for yourself girl. Get up, get on with it. I'm 31. I've worked hard to get to this place in my head, starting to accept that i'm actually OK. I'm not giving it up, no way. I'm not falling apart and i am unable to explain what that knowledge means to me. It's HUGE is the best i can do.

I have always wanted someone to tell me what to do but hooray, hooray, hooray, i don't anymore.
I know what to do.

I'm scaring myself now! I'm terrified if i can tell you the truth. But that's alright, terrified in a good way if that makes any sense at all. I'm still here.

Someone told me that maybe this is a good thing, that this needed to happen. They are right. Because now i know for absolute certain that i can do this, this life and all the stuff that it brings. I can prioritize and establish what is important and what is crucial.

So, as you can see i'm still blogging and with the support of those around me.

Still Here

2007-09-14T13:14:00.000-07:00

Am still here but only just................will explain more when i can.

The Same But Different

2007-09-12T03:04:00.000-07:00

OK, no more odd rambling posts for a bit. There has been lots on my mind and i couldn't quite put it down in a sensible way so it ended up sounding a bit cryptic, sorry!

Things have been a bit tricky lately. I'll try and explain....
J and i married young, it was all i wanted, still is. J is still pretty much the same person as he was back then but i have changed. I think what we are going through is about us trying to get to grips with that.
I worked from home, by myself until i had children so i think you could say i'm not a mega achieving career woman. Then came another baby and here i am, housewife, mother, wife. I've had some rubbish times (haven't we all) but i sorted myself out with J's help. Now i feel more sorted than ever before. I've got some great, close friends and even a bit of job that i adore and think i'm quite good at.

I have always been a home bird, a perfectionist. The house is always immaculate, that is just the way i'm made. I always had everything perfect for when J got home and i loved doing that. It was my choice to be like that. For a while a change has been coming over me. What once seemed so important just isn't anymore and i have to admit to loving it. I'm different but still me at heart. I hope i can prove that to him.

In The Beginning................

2007-09-10T12:41:00.000-07:00

The start, the beginning of something.
Unsure, uncertain but definite.
It's a secret hope in a secret place.
A growing chance, a bare possibility.
It's the last thing on your mind at night,
The first thought in the morning.
It wakes you in the early hours
And is a constant companion.
If it was a film, the audience would see it,
If it was a book, the reader would predict it.
Heart burning, lung cramping, chest crushing, head filling.
It's real but unconfirmed.

Truth or Dare?

2007-09-09T11:26:00.000-07:00

Do you dare to tell the truth?
Or timidly hide behind a lie?
Cover the frailty,
Muffle the fears,
Do as you've done for years and years.

Lets pretend to be something i'm not.
She'll be picture perfect,
The ideal girl,
She will always be more than good enough.

Temptation calls,
Dare you do it?
Truth seeps and creeps and then it floods.
Baring all, suddenly free,
Letting go for the first time ever.

Ask a question,
I won't lie.
But will you like the answer?
I care so much but made a promise,
when it was dark and silent.
So if it's not right, if i'm not right,
I'll accept what comes my way.

Make up can cover a night of tears,
But i won't need to cry from now.
Lies were my precaution, my shield,
But now the truth protects me.

Emotions

2007-09-07T07:51:00.000-07:00

There is a lyric that keeps repeating itself in my head.

'Some people hide their emotions, some people say too much. I'm aiming for somewhere central, now isn't it obvious?'

Is that what we should aim for? Somewhere central?
I'm currently struggling with that.

Should you be restrained, illusive, distant even? Or should you say what you feel, sometimes without having the time to arrange those thoughts carefully?
Put like that i think i would indeed prefer to be somewhere in between.

I have always been an open book, can't hide what i feel, i actually can't physically do it. Try as i might (and i do), the truth finds a way out and i am exposed. Vulnerable, unprotected.
In the moments before i open my mouth i feel such excitement and relief. Then after, when i'm reminded that not everyone is as comfortable with my words as i thought, i start to want to crawl under the nearest rock and hide till we can all pretend i never said a word.

Maybe the awkwardness comes from others. Do they feel i will want something in return? I don't, really i don't. I remember the first time i told J i loved him. I had managed to avoid spilling out those 3 little words for days but one night there was nothing i could do. He looked so awkward but what he didn't understand was that i didn't need him to say it back, i genuinely just wanted him to know that my heart was brimming.

Someone once called me a romantic and they are probably right. I said that meant some people took advantage, were more able to hurt you. He told me the important thing to learn and accept is that even if you do get hurt, it isn't you fault.

With that in mind i'm going to live this life like i mean it.

Promise

2007-09-05T13:30:00.000-07:00

A girls night out. Fake tans, too short skirts, too long blond hair. Some friends, some just acquaintances, the bride to be in common. Gathered around the hen with champagne they giggle conspiratorially, only stopping their constant chat to top up their glasses. Excitement and promise seems to bubble from this party and the scent and sound of their frivolity is attracting attention.

One girl is slightly detached from the crowd. She joins in, laughing in all the right places but her eyes keep darting across the room. With thick, dark hair, he had captured her attention as she ordered at the bar. He had been watching her too. He liked how she didn't quite fit in, separated not only by the slight distance she stood away, but something else too. Her clothes perhaps? Or the look in her eye?

The eye contact is progressing to lingering glances. Just a little too long to be comfortable. It is unnerving her, the overwhelming affect this stranger is having. Lip biting, shifting from foot to foot and an indisputable heat creeping up her body.

Briefly her attention is drawn back to the party. When she looks again he is gone.

Frantically she searches the room. From behind her he is watching, her interest now confirmed.
He leans close, so close and breathes on her neck. A well spoken voice in her ear......'Come outside.'
Unable to move, the heat between her legs becomes a fire, engulfing her entire body, unable to breathe.

Oblivious to the questions of her friends, she leaves the bar, hunger and lust causing single mindedness. Find him. The oppressive heat is quickly replaced by cool autumn air. The sweat on her body chills her instantly. Her nipples are hard but not because of the temperature.

He is watching the door as she exits, he likes her face, her body, her height. He is smiling, he can't help himself, as she looks in his direction. She smiles back. Its him. Finally.

Close now, eyes searching each other, hands gripping tightly as they walk to the most private place they can find as quickly as they can. She is looking up at him as he guides her against the wall, eyes locked, so much history already. Deep kisses, searching tongues, arms pulling at each other, desperately trying to get closer.

He reaches down, stroking the back of his hand over her erect nipples, slim waist and smooth thighs, discovering the stockings underneath. She throws her head back, exposing her pale neck. He bites the white flesh as his fingers work their way past the stocking tops and into her knickers.

Slick and wet, so wet. Hot, inviting, gripping his fingers. She comes so quickly to his first ever touch , juices dripping down his hand. He wipes it over her lips, mouth, chin and kisses her messily. Tongues everywhere, their wet faces turning cold in the night air. He lifts that pretty dress up. Now to give her the promise he made weeks before...............

The Past

2007-09-04T08:44:00.000-07:00

I saw somebody yesterday.
11 years ago my first proper boyfriend dumped me and i decided that was it. No more falling in love, not me, no way.
I was going to be aloof, detached. Let them come to me.
This was how i ended up with a married man 16 years my senior.

I think it was my apparent disinterest that got him. He saw me as a challenge. Why is that, by the way? As soon as you are not bothered about being attached or not, they want you. Typical.
Anyway.....
I'd been lonely and he gave me lots of attention, the sort that a boy my own age couldn't possibly have given. He took me to nice places, complimented me, everything a university student couldn't.

There was one problem. Try as i might i didn't feel anything between us. He was caring and kind but there was no buzz. No butterflies when he called, no sinking feeling when he didn't. No stirring between my legs when he looked into my eyes.

We didn't last long, he wanted more, to leave his wife and be with me on a permanent basis. There was no way i could have let it continue. I felt terrible. I had tried to be one of those girls who seems to be able to flit from guy to guy without a care but i just couldn't do it.

On the night it ended we sat in his car in an empty car park. He told me all he could offer, told me he loved me. I started to cry. There was this man who always acted like such a big shot opening his heart, exposing his vulnerability. I told him how i was scared, too scared to ever let go again.

I still remember the kindest look in his eyes as he held me until the tears stopped. Then he let me go.

I will never forget him and that night. It was the moment i realised i still believed in love and that even with all the misery and hurt it could bring, i still wanted it. Without it there was no passion or intensity, extremes or exhilaration.

We passed each other in the car yesterday morning. He was grinning and waving madly. It was good to see him again.

This Life

2007-09-02T11:21:00.000-07:00

Strange all this isn't it?
One day you think you know where you are going, future neatly mapped out years ago.
A fork in the road, not marked on this map.
Which direction?
Can you really choose or did destiny set her dates regardless?
I'd like to think i am the one choosing my fate.
Should i trust my judgement? Terrified of ending up on a road i've been down before.
I'll go with my gut. I know my heart and i know my head.

Who Has Control?

2007-09-01T08:43:00.000-07:00

I walked in our dark room.
'I'm still awake', he said.

I pulled back the duvet and looked at his naked body, shape and muscles illuminated by the orange glow from the alarm clock. I lay curled up at his side and rested my head on the top of his leg. His cock began to harden as if it was reaching for my mouth. A temptation too far. I took him between my lips. He tasted and felt good but i was feeling selfish, possibly even a little neglected.

I rolled away and onto my back, spreading my legs inviting a fuck. I was grinding my arse into the bed, willing him to take control of me. Fuck me, fuck me hard. Fuck me so my whole body is forced up the bed, wrap your arms tightly around my thighs, drive your cock into me. Use your strength to render me helpless.

And he did. He pumped his cock inside me, groaning and panting. We roamed all over our bed. I offered myself to him in different positions, trying, willing him to treat me as his toy, his possession.
On all fours, my back stretched out like a cat with its claws tearing at the sheets. I raised my bottom in the air, daring him to go deeper inside me.
'You're a dirty girl' he said between breaths.
He has no idea of all the filth trapped in my throat that i so want to let go of.

I got what i wanted but there is no doubt in my mind that it is me who initiates and encourages. Maybe that is the way our relationship works, it always has done. I wonder what it would be like if he took control of me. Would i fight it? Would i be able to give up the power? Would he be able to accept the position of authority? I'd like to know the answer.

Tagged

2007-08-30T05:14:00.000-07:00

I've been tagged! I must admit to preferring Kiss Chase but here goes.......

*What side of the heart do you draw first?
The left. My notebooks are littered with them. Must be a romantic.

*Can you dive without plugging your nose?
I can, yes.

*What color is your phone?
Grey, how boring.

*Who would you want to be tied to for 24 hours?
My husband or failing that, Louis Theroux (I like em weird)

*Where are you right now?
Home, spinning on my office chair.

*How do you feel about carrots?
Ok, prefer green beans though.

*How many chairs at the dining room table?
6 but would like 8.

*Who is the best Spice Girl?
Posh

*Do you know what time it is?
Don't need to today.

*What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator?
Touch myself. It's not a glass one is it?

*What is your favorite kind of gum?
Not keen.

*T or F: All is fair in love and war?
False

*Do you use words that you don't know the meaning to?
No, because then you sound like a prat.

*Do you like to sleep?
Mmm yes, then wake, have sex, eat, sleep again, have sex.............

*Do you know which US states don't use Daylight Savings?
Not a clue.

*Do you know the song Sugar We're Goin' Down?
Don't know that either.

*Do you want a bright yellow '06 mustang?
Nah, i love my car, its my pride and joy and so, er, Grrrrrrrrr.......

*What's something you've always wanted?
A 1950's kitchen.

*Do you wear a lot of black?
I love colour too much to do that. Plus i'm pale so tend to look like i've just been dug up in black.

*Describe your hair.
Blond and i'm naturally dumb.

*Are you an adult?
Yes, but inside i still feel the same as i've always done.

*Who is/are your best friends?
People i thank my lucky stars for.

*Do you have a tan?
No. I avoid getting one. Pale and interesting! Well, maybe not.

*Are you a television addict?
Not really but Frasier is my weakness.

*Do you enjoy spending time with your mom?
Yes and No. She gets on your nerves sometimes.

*Are you a sugar freak?
Take 1 spoon in my tea, and there is nothing like cadburys chocolate.

*What is your favorite movie?
A Touch of Class starring George Segal and Glenda Jackson. I ADORE this film. Heartbreaking.

*What's your sign?
Aquarius - Eccentric and aloof apparently.

*Where do you wish you were right now?
Positano at the hotel Il San Pietro. A wonderful, special place.

*Who did you copy this from?
La fille mariee.

*How do you know them?
I read her lovely blog.

*Would you have sex with them?
She has a lovely cleavage, so that would be a yes :)

Who to tag......don't think they've been got yet...
Lady in Red and Kahless. (sorry guys, really sorry)

A Nice Feeling

2007-08-29T09:30:00.000-07:00

There are lots of things that make me feel extremes of emotion.
For a long time i thought that was wrong, to get so moved by someone/something that it brings tears, sleepless nights or overwhelming love. It runs in the family (my Dad cries at beautiful music) and i grew up watching him being affected by various things that happened in our lives. Getting moody, needing time alone or crying watching his grandchildren.

I always thought being like him made me slightly 'not right'. I saw how my Mum would become exasperated by what she thought of as overreactions. Maybe fighting against it is what made me so unhappy. Trying to breeze through life, well it's just not possible or, as i have discovered, something to strive for.

I like that my Dad and i cry at music. Isn't it amazing when you hear something that you identify with? A melody that transports you to a place in your past, painful or otherwise. Don't you love it when you see a film and it creeps under your skin so you can't stop thinking about it?

I adore the excitement i feel at something i've wanted becoming real - the funny feeling in my throat and the flippy upside down reaction of my heart. I want to be capable of feeling that always.
I can't get enough of the head spin i get when i'm so turned on that every single nerve in my body is on fire. Electricity running through veins and my mind barely belonging to me anymore.

So what i'm trying to say is that i'm content. Not bored, not trying to fit in or simply exist but at ease with things as they are. And it's a nice feeling that i'm really hoping lasts.

What To Do

2007-08-28T09:33:00.000-07:00

From September things are going to be a bit different for me. Both children will be at school. Don't get me wrong, i love being with my babies but there are only so many years a girl can spend playing with small plastic figures and doing the same old dog-eared Postman Pat puzzle.

'What are you going to do with yourself?', people keep asking me.

I'm making a list..............

* Redecorate my house - i'm capable of a bit of D.I.Y. which leads neatly on to...
* Masturbate - yes, i'm going to spend some time pleasuring myself any time i feel the need. I'm
going to watch porn as soon as i've dropped off at school and try out lots of sex toys that i
intend to purchase.
* Spend more time doing my voluntary job - the people i work with are inspiring and it makes me
feel worthwhile. It helped me through a really bad patch early this year so i owe it to them.
* Get a full body massage - NOT that sort of massage you dirty minded lot! Although.....
I have always wanted one as i'm quite a tense person, relaxing doesn't always come easy to
me.
* Paint - I could get quite emotional talking about this because sometimes it's at the heart of
what drives me. It is a struggle for me to actually get my materials out. It's a low opinion
thing. No excuses this time because J says he will try and sell them for me.
* Have fun being just me again
* Be a better mother, refreshed by time without them.

And that's about it really. There are one or two other plans i have but you will have to wait to hear about those...........

A List

2007-08-26T08:05:00.000-07:00

LOVE IS......

genuine smiles
open arms
sleeping wrapped up in one another
little notes under pillows
a mint aero in the fridge
indulging in a fantasy
kisses on sleepy eyelids
being silly
taking the children swimming so i don't have to
letting you lie in
fetching you a beer while you work
being best friends
making me a C.D.
pleasing each other
in my heart.

LOVE IS......

gut twisting

overwhelming

all consuming

too much for me today

desperate

wanting

needing

hurting

aching

always searching

always following

smashing up the remote control

driving away fast

silent tears in the night

wordless sex

crushing

intense

missing you so much it makes me ill

a fist around my heart.

My head hurts

2007-08-25T04:26:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to think of a clever way to start this post but i can't. Could be because of my hangover and the fact that i was up till 1am eating crisps to soak up the alcohol. J was drinking something bizarre brought back from someones holiday from a tealight holder. This gives some indication of the size of our hangover.

Before i got too drunk to make any sense i had been trying to explain to J what i like so much about blogging (yes,we've been communicating much better and it's good, really good).
This is how i put it.

Everything is back to front. Where else do you know a persons secret thought, a private emotion before anything else? There is no 'hello how do you do? What line of work are you in then?'
There are few barriers to getting straight to the heart of the matter. You don't have to weigh up whether or not someone might be on your wavelength. BAM, you just put it out there. And i love that.

Something else that i keep thinking about is how i don't know what you look like nor you me. I've got some ideas from photos or incidental descriptions but a lot of it is made up in my head. I know some of you meet but it wasn't looks that attracted you to each other in the first place, it was words. And god that gets me going.

I hadn't realised quite how much i use the way i look to express myself. Not just clothes, hair, make-up but body language. I'm not crazy about all these 'mwah mwah' types but i do like to hold my friends arm when she is sad or take someones hand in mine to show i understand. I'm really trying hard to show my feelings with words.

You all know that already so sorry for writing about the lovely secret you have shared together for however long you've been part of this. I'm just happy to be here that's all.

Reason

2007-08-24T11:53:00.000-07:00

Last night i was on the computer, frantically trying to finish off reading, commenting (you know how it is, one comment leads to another) before J went to sleep. Forcing myself to sign out, i turned off the lights, hopped upstairs and set the alarm. The bedside lights were off, damn, he was already gone, wrapped in duvet, breathing slowly.

I climbed into my side of the bed and lay there. Just lay there, bored. I was hoping for some cuddling, maybe more. O.K. at this point really i wanted sex and he was ASLEEP.

OPTION 1 - Touch myself. Already was, no use. I needed a man.
OPTION 2 - Wake him. Too risky, could cause severe grumpiness.
OPTION 3 - chosen option.

I lifted the covers and shuffled under. His sleepy body was so warm. I wrapped my mouth around his soft cock and explored with my tongue. Sucking hard, sometimes soft, licking under his foreskin, all over. In a minute he was hard. He shifted, moaning in his semi-wakeful state. Faster, harder, my tongue circling the head, sucking, licking, lapping and taking him deep, wrapping my lips around him.

I was enjoying this on so many levels.
The wonderful sensation in my mouth, luscious.
The power and sneakiness of getting what i want.
The increasing wetness between my legs.
He came, making little noise but filling my mouth with his hot liquid. Strangely that was enough and i too fell asleep.

At 2 am i woke. Hot, so hot. The room seemed airless. I eventually rolled out of bed and opened the window wide. The cool air met my naked body as i leaned out into the night. Looking up i saw a sky full of stars and thought of what i read earlier by The Man, His Life and His Secrets. There seemed little light pollution in our village tonight and amongst the millions there was Orion and i smiled because of what had been said about us not being all important. There i was smiling in the dark because from now i have a reason to be less alone under these stars.

Thank You.

Playground

2007-08-23T05:30:00.000-07:00

This morning i dropped my girl at Summer School and me and my boy went to the playground. It's a horrid little place, broken glass scattered all over, graffiti already scratched in the freshly painted slide. Stupid words proclaiming such-a-body is gay or a slag. Lots of dog poo.

Now we live in quite a nice area, lots of people think it's 'posh' but this bit really isn't. So i'm looking at the trees, the morning blue sky, the aeroplane above us. Thinking about all the families in their matching tracksuits going for their two weeks of sun. I'm looking at the houses opposite with their net curtains and manicured lawns. The lines of bright marigolds and bizzie lizzies. The hanging basket someone forgot to water.

It's making me feel trapped. I want to shout, 'Hello? Excuse me, hello? Does anyone know how i got here?'

It's not that i think i'm above these people, far from it, maybe i wish i was part of it, maybe inside they are as fucked up as the people in the next house. I just feel so out of it, isolated, alone.

I watch my boy. He has his tummy on the swing seat and is turning round and round, twisting the chains on the swing till they nearly touch his head. Then he lifts his feet off the ground and spins wildly until the chains become separate once more, madly jolting him this way and that. He looks up at me and grins, slightly dizzy and crazed from the juddery ride.

I want that. A turn at being crazy. A break from normality. Who wants to just sit on the swing? Sure sometimes that's all you want but not me. Not now. I want to spin till its blurred.
My boy was in this grotty excuse for a playground but he still found a way to rock his little world.

Take me by the hand and lets go there, to where it all blurred and you feel things you've never felt before. Link your arm through mine and we'll run there. Come on!

And when we get back we can just sit on the swings if that's what you still want to do.

Connection

2007-08-22T08:27:00.000-07:00

He took her hand in his, stroking it with his thumb to steady her nerves. They rose from the table, leaving their drinks hardly touched. They had talked, barely listening as they searched each others faces. Staring into eyes, following the outline of lips. Her heart beat fast as they climbed the thickly carpeted stairs. A couple passed by them, laughing, smiling. He held her close, his hand resting lightly on her waist. He could feel her soft curves through the thin fabric. She could feel his fingers pressing into her skin. An excitement rising from her stomach to her throat, a tensing between her legs.

At the door they turned to face each other. With her face in his hands, he kissed her, tasting her. She breathed in his scent biting his bottom lip. He hunted for the door handle, pushing it open with the second attempt. Their lips were still exploring each other, kissing jawlines, tasting necks as they fell into the room.

Standing at the end of the bed they stopped, laughing together like children. He stroked her pale cheek with the back of his hand and she smiled showing her willingness to be taken.

He undressed her down to her bra and knickers, kissing her nipples through the flimsy material and feeling them grow harder in his mouth. She pulled down her knickers and lay on the bed, spreading her legs wide apart. She was smooth and pale and pink. Propped up on her elbows she watched him as he stared at her. He was still fully clothed and the vulnerability she felt at her nakedness aroused her further. She trusted him without knowing him.

Leaning over the bed his tongue gently separated her lips, tasting just a little. Then firm strokes from cunt to clit, stopping just before he reached her hard bud.
He wanted to please her so badly. Despite her inexperience and obvious enjoyment he still performed his best, listening to her body. Slowing and speeding up his licks until she came, her juices running over his tongue, his hands holding her legs apart as they fought against him, muscles tight, contracting.

He loved that he could bring her such intensity and with his heart bursting with passion he frantically kissed her, his wet face all over hers, panting, sucking.
His clothes quickly discarded he lay on top of her, his cock twitching between her legs, touching her thighs, rubbing against her wet pussy.

She couldn't wait and pushed herself onto him, deliciously gripping his shaft. Utter relief as he filled her with his expanding width making her feel complete. A frantic fuck, expressing more than words ever could. Hands everywhere, trying to get closer than physically possible. Trying to show the connection they felt coursing through their veins by thrusting harder, deeper; wrapping arms and legs around buttocks, calves, shoulders, necks.

They both groaned loudly as he spurted come all over her smooth mound and stomach. They lay together, his sticky come between them, enjoying the freedom this togetherness had created.

Don't post when mad

2007-08-21T11:29:00.000-07:00

I have just read again what i posted earlier. Yes, it's pathetic and infantile. I was cross, really angry and hurt by the cruel things that had been said. I'm not going to get rid of it because it is how i felt at the time.

Story

2007-08-21T04:45:00.000-07:00

Once there was a girl
Once there was a boy
The girl adored the boy, spent her time trying to please him because that pleased her.
One day the girl grew wings and wanted to fly.
The boy clipped her wings.
He didn't understand she only wanted to spread them, not fly away forever.
Now she dreams of nothing else.

Trust

2007-08-20T06:03:00.000-07:00

J was reading my blog yesterday. He says he's not sure if he understands it all and that some of the things i write scare him.
It's not the girl fantasy stuff or the descriptions of what i want to do with him. They turn him on. It's the posts like 'Butterflies'

When i started this blog it was supposed to be about the sex J and i have. I suppose it was naive to think that's all it would be. I couldn't help but empty my head of all my other thoughts, especially when i read other people's blogs and their writing moves me so much. It makes me feel less alone.

The things that scare J are the 'mental bits' as he calls them. He says he doesn't know that person and he worries. He worries where i'll end up and that he isn't enough for me. He is such an amazing person. Kind, hardworking, loving, sexy and he takes care of us. I'm sorry i cause him such worry. It was never my intention to upset him. I've always been this person, i guess no one really gets to know what is in your head till you publish it.

I do feel strange when i see him at the computer reading my mind. I blush, i know i do and i sometimes wish it was private. I want his approval and when he is unsure he says very little, leaving me to wonder what he thinks, the person whose opinion matters most.

Sorry my lovely, lovely husband. Please, please trust me.

Missed Opportunity? (part 1 -real)

2007-08-19T04:14:00.000-07:00

When my friend and i went out the other night we got very wet. And not in a good way.

The rain was torrential. Our clothes were saturated and clung to our mud splashed legs. Our shoes were squelching. It was bad.
What was worse was the fact that 5 minutes before leaving the house i had fake tanned my legs. Nothing crazy you understand. Just subtle, to take the edge off and to make them match the colour of my arms.

I now have permanent rain splashed legs and have been wearing trousers ever since which i don't like as i'm normally a dress wearer. Sigh.

Anyway what this is really about is the fact that i think i may have missed an opportunity.
By now you might know that i am bi-curious.Actually, I hate that label, i like to think of sexuality as a spectrum. Sometimes you are nearer one end than the other, that's all.
So, as i was saying, i think a girl made a pass at me.
My friend and i were walking around this shop (we were at an opening night party, darlings) cocktail in hand when i felt a hand stroke the back of my neck. I turned round expecting to see someone i knew.

'Can i just tell you i love your dress? You look lovely in it.' She smiled a huge smile as i shyly said 'Oh, er, thank you!' and off i went.

I am stupid!
The thing is that it didn't occur to me that she fancied me. Stuff like that just doesn't happen, or does it? She was beautiful too. Coffee coloured skin and an amazing mouth. There was nothing i could do about it. My friend doesn't know about my little secret and i'm not sure how she would react. If i'd been alone i would have gone back and spoken to her (once i had computed what had just happened). Who knows, that could have been what i've been waiting for. For now i'll just have to imagine.......

Butterflies

2007-08-17T11:08:00.000-07:00

Standing in the shower i escape. I let the water gush over my head so my ears are covered with water. You can't hear anything, it's bliss. Seconds, minutes even, can slip by before i remember that a small person may want me or i think of some of the tasks for that day.

While i'm in my watery world i'm just n.

Today i had a sort of nervous feeling, or was it excitement? I'm not sure but it felt and still feels like i have butterflies beating their wings against my heart, nudging me to feel something, encouraging and daring me to let emotion take over.

I read something the other day that elated me. The way in which the writer captured what i feel, what i've been thinking caused waves of relief to wash over me and i cried.

(Excuse the next bit of writing for being a bit rambling, it just needs to come out of my head.)

I just want to grab life and love with both hands, bundle it in my handbag and go.
Please listen to the passion i am capable of, push me to my limits
UNDERSTAND
and let me understand you. Think of me as i do you. All that is in your heart, your mind, i want to drink and soak it all up.
Eyes fixed, soul wrapped around soul.
A tangle of arms, legs, love and complete trust, even though we don't know it all, maybe never will.
I'll trust because of what we already have seen, felt.
Adore all my quirks, let me delight at yours. Vulnerability exposed and washed away in a single breath.
Talk, discover we are the same, discover we are different.
Talk and kiss and explore and fuck and kiss and stroke and be in my head.
Be there and so will i.

What i am Thinking

2007-08-14T15:29:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, J did something that has got me a little excited.....

It started off as a bit of fun, a tease even. I can't remember what i did to deserve it now because all i can think of is the sensation between my legs brought on by a rather firm smack on my arse.
This is what i am thinking........

Take me by the hand
Don't say a word. Let your eyes do the talking.
Upstairs. To the bedroom.
Your tight grasp and certain gaze will keep me from speaking.
Take off my clothes, slowly, item by item.
Sit me on the corner of the bed.
I'll see the cuffs and blindfold lined up and you won't falter as you bind my wrists behind my back.

Position me on my knees in the centre of the bed.
You will be staring right at me as you cover my eyes in leather and i'll feel nervous, excited.
Every nerve in my body will be twitching with anticipation.
As you push me face down on the bed i'll be so wet for you, between my thighs and dripping on the sheets.

Your hard cock will push deep, deep inside me and as i groan you'll smack me hard across my bottom and i'll come and feel so alive as i gush all over you, soaking our legs and the covers.
Harder, faster, deeper, further you'll fuck me, smacking my arse harder and harder until your come spurts over the hand prints on my cheeks.
You'll leave me stinging, smarting, hurting; wrung out from your body and what it has done.

Release

2007-08-13T08:54:00.000-07:00

I really needed a release. Everything has been getting to me this weekend. I know the triggers and i try to avoid them but sometimes that horrid black cloud hunts me down no matter how fast i run.

It was my permanent sidekick for a long time but since Easter life has been 100% improved for me and my close family. I say close family because i am a master of disguise and cleverly, or stupidly, you decide, hid it from everyone else.

So it's been hovering nearby this weekend, making me quiet and a bit snappy with the kids. (Sorry my babies, i love you both so much and i hope you don't remember me for this.) Most likely it will be gone tomorrow, 25mg of Citalopram stop it from lingering too long. There are lots of things i could do.....
Paint - can't be bothered to prime a canvas
Clean out cupboards - I'll admit to being a bit of a Monica
Bake - not hungry (a result of the cloud)
Wank......YES! That is what i want to do!

So while J slept, exhausted from work, i fetched my vibe from my knicker drawer.
I licked my fingers and wet my clit. Pressed the button and applied pressure. Up 2 settings (Number 2 does sweet FA for me) and i begin to relax. My hips moved forward and back. Forward and back.
My free hand grabbed at my breast, teasing my nipple with my finger tips.
Up to the last setting. I gasp and arch my back. It all feels good but i search for the ultimate. Tiny movements, desperate to find the place that makes the soles of my feet burn, the muscles in my calves as hard as rock and my thoughts blur.

Fuck, this was frustrating.
Think, think. Another girl touching my tits, her head between my legs, licking, tasting. Oh yeah i was going to come but i needed to make a lot of noise (which is what i do when i'm playing alone). I was deep in this fantasy and wanted to breathlessly pant instructions to my imaginary lover. It takes me right to the edge and crashing over the cliff to do this and J's sleeping body was inhibiting me.
Aaah!
It wouldn't have been a problem if he had been watching me, masturbating, but the fact that he would have been woken by my bi-sexual rantings made me feel embarrassed. What did i do?
I said it really quietly which was of no use.
So i've still not had my release..............

Wanted

2007-08-12T02:07:00.000-07:00

I lay on the floor, knowing my dress barely covered my arse. I had removed my knickers some time earlier.
I waited.
He flicked through the music channels. I tilted my hips and waited some more.
I rolled over on my back and spread my legs wide. And waited.
'I can see 3 holes i could put my cock in' he said.
I grinned. 'Why don't you then?'
'Because i'm not as highly sexed as you and its not like i don't get it often enough. But i do want you'

Maybe he was a little tired or a bit drunk. Or just not in the mood.
He has always been the same, i don't know why this occasional reaction surprises me or why it hurts so much.
I wanted my lips to be stroked, licked. To have my hips pressed into the floor as he straddled me.I wanted lust, passion, a body slamming fuck because he couldn't wait a second longer to have me. I wanted to be wanted.

Carpet Burn

2007-08-11T04:38:00.000-07:00

I can't seem to focus on today's activities. Activities with the kids, family BBQ, all nice things but i sort of feel like just being me, in my house, alone. There are lots of thoughts going round and round my head and i crave a little time to process them. Today as always i am wife and mother which, don't get me wrong, i want and love to be, its just difficult to be good one when i feel like this. Then i feel guilty. Prison with no walls, actually that is a bit extreme but you get the idea!

Secrets and lies, emissions of truth. Everybody has them, tells them. The older i get, the more married people i know, the complexities of it all become the norm. Secret smiles, hidden calls and confessions to the closest friends. Is that what its always been like and i was wearing rose tinted glasses? It doesn't disillusion me, i accept it. When i was a teenager, full of angst and obsession with a variety of highly unsuitable boys, i thought that when you were a grown up it became clear. Marriage, kids, happily ever after. Simple. Now i am that grown up, it is anything but simple. Perversely, that is how i like it.

Another reason i am finding it difficult to relax today is the painful carpet burn on my back, the result of last nights frantic fuck. Was it worth it? Of course.

Neglecting his Needs

2007-08-09T12:16:00.000-07:00

J is away, working so hard at the moment and i've been very demanding on the sex front. Not a bad thing you might say but i may have been neglecting his needs a little, concentrating on my own.
I've got plans for his return tonight and i can't wait to give him the attention he deserves....

I'll take the bag from your shoulder and place soft, warm kisses on your pretty mouth. Let my lips brush over your tired lids and feel you relax into the love i feel for you.
I appreciate all that you do for us, for me.
Let me show you how i adore you.

A warm embrace, becoming something more, breathing louder, quicker. Searching kisses, tongues touching.
I will kiss you deeply, pulling you so close, feeling your hardness digging into me.
Unfasten buttons, undo zips, drop clothes to the floor.
Kiss the shoulders that carry the responsibility, run my hands over your chest.
Sit you down, drop to my knees.

Cover your thighs with little kisses.
Gently take your balls in my mouth and suck.
Firm tongue from base to head where i'll taste you, rising just to share your salty wetness.
Lick you again, feeling how swollen you have become, enjoying your moans, knowing i can make you feel so good.

Turn away from you and lower myself on your cock, you'll hold my hips, my arse as i rise and fall.
Juices will run down your shaft and cover your balls and you'll know how i want you, all of you.
I'll move faster, with long strokes up and down till you explode inside me.
I love you, i love you,i love you .

The Power of a Woman

2007-08-08T07:48:00.000-07:00

I recently read a fabulous post by Cytherea about the power of a woman and where that power comes from. Her male friend suggested that it was all about pussy and the ability to withhold it. She however, hoped that it is connected to intelligence as well as sex.
This got me thinking about the way i try to exert my power on others. Actually, that makes me sound like a crazed freak, what i mean is more about subtly influencing people.

I am a sexual person. I feel in touch with my body, the way it moves when i walk and how this can be perceived. I know how to stand so my arse looks its best and how to angle my shoulders and neck to make me look as tall and elegant as possible. When i flirt i like to seem unobtainable, you know, a bit mysterious. And i suppose that makes a nod to the withholding pussy theory, albeit unintentional. I thought it was all about seeming sexy.

I try to balance things ie: short skirt and long sleeved top no cleavage OR low cut top with trousers. Don't give it all away in one go. Do i want to be looked at? Hell yes! But i (weirdly) enjoy using the effect to my advantage if and where i can. It isn't always about tits and ass but eyes, smiles, even the tone of your voice and i have to admit getting a kick out of it. This isn't about the means to misbehave or to cruelly tease others, i just believe in getting the best from every situation.

I adore clothes, the variety of fabrics and how they feel or emphasize certain parts of my body. I take such pleasure in assembling an outfit. I choose to suit the occasion and my mood. I do this as it is something i enjoy, not directly to get attention.

Smile at someone as you pass them in the street, warmly make conversation at the till in a shop and my big thing, compliment someone when they deserve it. If i notice something good about a person, i tell them. Don't just think it, say it!
Maybe it is something to do with my own lack of self esteem, the reason i do this. I don't want anyone to feel as crappy about myself as i have and still do sometimes. Lots of times.

The chemistry between men and woman and the power they have over each other remains confusing and mysterious to me. I have been fortunate enough never to have experienced these powers being used in a truly negative or violent way, but i know this happens. Sometimes a man can crush any authority i had simply by ignoring me, god knows what it feels like to be mentally or physically abused.

For now i will continue to use my sexuality - it is part of who i am and i rather like it. This evening i am going out with a good friend. What shall i wear? The low cut top AND the short skirt i think. ;)

Please

2007-08-07T07:42:00.000-07:00

Intoxicate me, fill every nerve with a delicious ache.
Control me with your sex.
Take away my powers,
leave only what you cannot have, my nakedness and what it inspires you to do.

Stare into my soul, then take away my sight
Let my fingers roam your body, then restrain me.
Look at me. At your disposal.

Knelt on the bed, wrists at my spine.
Lips parted, tongue tasting the air, searching.
Arched back, breasts pushed forwards.
Are you looking at me now?
Am i as wet as i think?

Feel power as i hungrily search for you.
Offer your wet head and brush against my lips.
I moan, i groan. For you. For touches to end my tortured wait.

Punish me for the wicked thoughts i told you.
Tell me i'm a bad, bad girl.
Leave my cheek stinging where you struck me with your cock. Tenderly sooth my skin with the tip of your tongue and lull me into that false sense of security.

Push it in, push all of you in my open mouth.
Bruise my lips and pleasure yourself on me.
I can't touch you so use me, please.
Make me come at the moment you choose,
watch my cunt clench around your fingers.
Fuck me just as you want, however you want, over and over and over til my body can't take anymore.

Leave me bound and waiting,
please.

Sex Shop

2007-08-06T10:48:00.000-07:00

I have always wanted some proper handcuffs and a blindfold. We have used ribbon, scarves and belts (once we used a bikini that came free with Marie Claire magazine) but they never quite gave the feeling i desire. That feeling of being dominated. Somehow the polka dot belt from my dressing gown doesn't quite do it.

I chose a black leather blindfold, beautifully soft and supple with matching cuffs.

'Did i want anything else?' J asked. Errmm......

I perused the selection of vibrators, reading the attached reviews. I was looking for the Cherry Nibbler mentioned by Suze. It sounded good so i enquired. The friendly woman (who offered us a cup of tea on arrival) looked very confused.

'What?!!' she said.
I then felt very uncomfortable at having mentioned the word 'Nibbler'.

She showed me other items she thought i might like but with my heart (or pussy) set on the Cherry Nibbler, i stuck with the bondage gear.
With our pink tissue wrapped purchase we headed for a bar. Aroused by our bag of goodies we drank summery drinks sat on a leather settee with bare arms and legs draped over each other. Occasionally J would stroke my thigh, lifting my skirt a little too high.

'She's nice, do you like her?' J asked as the girl who served us walked past. I did like her. I'd already looked at her breasts, slightly exposed by her vest top. 'Yes' i said looking some more. J grinned at me.
My girl on girl fantasies have only ever been about pictures i've seen or films i've watched, never about someone in the flesh. It was a little strange and unnerving.

The previous day in Topshop i had seen someone else. Below her on the steep escalator i had looked at her very short skirt quite innocently wondering how some girls dare to bare so much when i found myself looking at the piece of skin at the top of her leg and just a glimpse of buttock. The tingling between my legs and an automatic squeezing of my thighs shocked me. The shocked feeling made me realize i was being ever so slightly naughty which aroused me further. In the changing room i dipped my finger between my labia to find me warm and wet.

In a cool shop a pretty girl put J's t-shirts in a bag. No bra and a thin, white top exposed her dark, slightly erect nipples. I imagined running my tongue over them and squeezing them between my thumb and forefinger. Lovely.

J and i never did find that place i wished existed. The place where someone will come on to me and make it easy for me to get what i so badly want.
I've heard good things come to those who wait but i don't think there is any harm in trying to hurry things along.
In the meantime though, there was a pair of cuffs and a blindfold waiting to be unwrapped...........

Its the Weekend!

2007-08-03T02:03:00.000-07:00

Off to the Big Smoke for a Bridget Jones style mini break. A bit of real life Sex in the City! xx

Love affirming

2007-08-02T12:18:00.000-07:00

This has been an emotional week for us, especially J. He has been under so much pressure at work and i know that i haven't been helping with my recent sexual revelations. (I thought he knew, turns out he didn't).

What was needed now things are open between us again was some love affirming sex.

Early morning, J turns to cosy up to my back. This tender act after such a strange week sends a warm glow straight to my heart. And, apparently straight to J's cock, which presses against my right buttock.
An instant reaction between my legs. A sudden rush to have him inside me, to show him how i want, desire and lust after him. Despite the need to push myself onto his now very hard cock, i want eye contact.

We exchange sleepy smiles. I stroke him,pulling back his foreskin and exposing a delicious bead of pre cum. Rubbing my thumb over his silky head he sighs approval and i let him taste his salty self. I taste him too, gently flicking my tongue then greedily pushing my mouth around him. Moving back up i turn my body away looking over my shoulder with heavy lidded eyes.

I'm wet, he slides in and our simultaneous moans remind me of why we work so well. One hand on my hip, the other on my shoulder, he pulls me onto him. Again, again, harder and more fervent with every thrust. I love that feeling of being controlled and used. Powerless, he wants me and he can have all of me. He is close to coming as i begin to contract around him. Passion, lust and utter devotion blur into one as he judders into orgasm.

Sexy weekend?

2007-08-01T13:41:00.000-07:00

We had been visiting a forum for 'beautiful couples and single girls' when something caught my eye. 2 couples were going to meet in a bar local to us. They were to 'have a few drinks and take it from there ;)'.

I wanted to see them. Who are these people who meet? What do they look like? Do they wear badges saying 'I swing both ways'. Well obviously i know they don't but because this is a world i am timidly trying to enter, i was adamant that we went too. Not to join in, just to spy.

As you can imagine we spent the entire evening eavesdropping and looking for cosy groups of 4. There were so many people; flirting, chatting, drinking, laughing; nothing to distinguish between the people casually looking for sex on a Saturday night and the 2 couples who had planned to play. I was very disappointed.

This got me thinking.

So, i want to do this, give all these thoughts a chance at becoming reality. How am i going to get started? This is what i like to imagine....

Sitting in a bar, happy, sexy girls and boys enjoying themselves.
Someone lovely making eye contact, smiling and coming to talk to me.
Maybe they will brush my hand with theirs or our legs might press against each other under the table. Then, if it felt good i could begin to make my sexual discoveries with someone keen to show me how.

Does such a place exist? Please can you tell me if it does? I'm off to London for a long weekend and thought a bit of anonymity might help me with my nerves. Sexy weekend away with J as good a time to try this as ever.

Not Lost

2007-07-31T13:02:00.000-07:00

We talked about it. Why what i have written has caused him to be quiet with me. He says i shock him a bit but that my words turn him on. I'm restless, always have been but i guess for the period in my life when i had babies it was difficult to be anything but a mother.
Not to say that any woman becoming a mother doesn't have difficulties but i found it tough and lost myself in those early years. The fact that i am more me now than i've been for years shouldn't make him worry.
I'm back! That's all and i'm excited, eager to explore. I've remembered how it feels to be n, and yes, men look at me again and yes, i like it! I am finally quite comfortable with asking for what i want and not being ashamed of that. Struggling with depression for all this time, well i just want to grab him by the hand and say 'come with me, lets do it!' Even i'm not exactly sure what but i think that could be half the adventure.
He is my lover, best friend and part of me. He made me cry with some of the things he said. I don't think he meant to hurt me. I love him and i hope he can still see the n he thinks he's lost.

3

2007-07-30T13:37:00.000-07:00

How would it be with three? A beautiful girl to join us. So many possibilities.....

I imagine in great detail, seeing her, flirting, guessing and finally knowing she wants to touch and be touched. The journey to our hotel room. Eyes lustfully looking into each others soul. Do you see the same as me?

Gentle stroking turning into the frantic removal of clothes, inhibitions and hopefully my nerves.
Touching J. Conspiratorial glances as we lay him down, 2 bodies working together to pleasure him. Our tongues greedily licking his cock, sharing his salty taste together with the soft kisses i've never experienced. Our breasts occasionally touching, making me ache so wonderfully.

On your back, J touches you. Seeing his cock harder than ever, watching his gentle, skillful fingers trace the shape of your wet, pink lips. Circling your clit and delving 2 fingers deep inside, making you come with delicious ease. Eyes wide as i lick the taste of you off his fingers.

The anticipation of being with you, the desperate need making my juices spill between my thighs. Knowing J is watching me make my discovery and feeling exhilarated as i realise i no longer care about anything else except here, now in this room.

You reaching for my hard, hard nipples, J stepping back to sit and stroke and watch, giving me the permission i want but no longer need. Touching your perfect breasts, feeling your hard, brown peaks under my tongue. You opening your legs for me and wanting me to taste the soft folds of your sex, your moans and gasps filling the sex scented air. Wrapping our legs around each other, pushing our wanting pussies harder, tighter together. Hearing J groan as he comes and you kissing me frantically as you and i do.

Is that what three would be like?

Doing This

2007-07-29T13:50:00.000-07:00

I don't think you approve. I show you my posts, you say very little now. What have i done? What has upset you? You always knew i was this girl. Maybe all the thoughts in my head were just that - thoughts in *my* head.

I love you. You are what i want but i can't help but think of something else out there. I have been this way all my life and only now do i feel like it is a positive thing, not something to weigh me down. I want you with me while i make discoveries.

Was it the post about other girls? Was it the descriptions of her and me and how desperate i sounded? I can't deny any of it. It is raw and true.

Darling don't feel left out. I adore you and your beauty. Please love my openness with you. I need that feeling of total excitement. When you can't think straight and feel totally uninhibited because a desire for pleasure is total and overwhelming. It is essential.

Let me explore this, not alone but with you and your love. It would not be right without you.

Reason

2007-07-28T02:00:00.000-07:00

I received this text while out with a girlfriend...

Want to lick you till you come all over my face then make you suck me and smack you with my cock. Have fun. Night baby.

This from my shy J? Now there is a reason to hurry home.

Making the most of it

2007-07-26T13:38:00.000-07:00

For the next five and a half weeks my free time will disappear. School hours are the sacred time where the house belongs to me and me alone. i can listen to Amy Winehouse or Maximo Park as loud as i want, paint if i feel like it or what usually happens, a session with my vibrator. This being the last week of freedom i've been making the most of it.

I was feeling a bit girlie in black and purple satin bra and knickers and liked how they felt and looked. The back of the pants were mesh and looking at my arse in the mirror reminded me of a photo i had seen. The girl in the picture was beautiful and curvy with the kind of arse you want to stroke and the most perfect breasts. The sort you would like to cup with your hands to feel their firmness. The point was she was wearing stockings and i suddenly wanted to be wearing mine.

I put them on and kneeled on the bed, looking at myself. I knew what this fantasy was to be about. I felt my hard nipples through my silky bra, circling them, imagining this girl was watching me. I have never touched or been touched by another girl, but lately it is all i desire. I slip off my bra and wet my fingers, feeling how erect my pink nipples have become. I close my eyes and softly moan as i wonder how this would feel if it was her tongue, exploring my breasts as i would like to hers. How does it feel, that soft skin, that firm peak? Is it as good as i imagine?

I feel the wet material between my legs and the ache of a girl wanting to be touched. By another girl.

Taking off my soaking knickers i vow to make this a reality. I'm hot, wet, soaking wet and swollen with lust for this woman, whoever she may be. What would her tongue feel like as it separated my lips, lapped at my clit, dipped in and out of my sex?
How much wetter would tasting her sweet, musky pussy make me? I want to press against her body, rub my hard clit against hers and feel the satisfaction of making her come. Is it good?
Could she make me come as hard as i do with a man? Tell me. The state i am in on the bed, alone in just my stockings makes me think yes, yes. I'm dripping, my vibe pressed hard against me and i'm so desperate to be fucked by her that my orgasm, although causing me to scream out and shake is tinged with frustration and a need to try this.

Bad Day

2007-07-26T04:36:00.000-07:00

Today i'm feeling lonely. Nasty feeling in my throat that means tears are never far away. Hope this won't last long. Since i got a little help from an understanding doctor things have been quite even but today that black cloud is starting to surround me. Creeping round my back and filling my gut with dread. Please don't last long.

Home Alone

2007-07-24T11:17:00.000-07:00

Been reading Easily Aroused. His exquisite stories got me wet and wanting. I sit on this office chair, lazily fingering my slit as i take in his words.
A certain tale has pushed me to the edge. I HAVE to come.
Upstairs i take my vibrator from the drawer and bring the mirror. I want to watch. I sit on the floor, back pressed against the wall and position the mirror so i can see my shaved pussy. My dress is low cut and my tits look nice so i make sure i can see them too, and my face. My eyes look lustily back at me, is this the dirty look you see?

Soon

2007-07-22T13:12:00.000-07:00

i can't look for long, no time, but i want to touch you so much. Soft skin, slightly tanned. Let me kiss your imperfect lips, perfect to me. Take off your shirt, feel strong shoulders, hairs on your chest. Maleness making a hunger rise from within me.
Lower now
Unbutton your trousers. Hardness pushing against your pants. I would gasp as your cock is freed. Pulses quicken, my throat tightens. The inside of your thighs, muscular and firm as fingers trace the space between knee and groin. I slowly lick my top lip as the feel of the soft, hot skin on your balls is recalled. i close my eyes. I want this too much. I'm aching, longing to taste your sweet cock as i hold onto smooth buttocks. I'm drunk with this.
Undressed, alone, i look at my mirrored image. Back instinctively arching at the thought of your touch. Nipples getting harder, circle them with your tongue. Shaven mound, just as you like it. Fingers gently brush my swollen pink lips. I look back at my reflection. Touch me soon.

Bruises

2007-07-13T13:48:00.000-07:00

Last night we did one of my new favourite things.

Sucking cock is something i LOVE. I love the hard silkiness. I adore the groans as i lick and suck, nibble and stroke in new ways, letting my tongue and lips explore every inch. And the taste; sweet and salty, delicious.
My new pleasure involves lots of cock sucking but also a little submission.
He straddles me. Balls and cock hovering over my face. I'm licking my lips and trying to reach for a taste. I get a little lick and then SMACK. My cheek and mouth sting where his hard cock just hit me. Fuck it feels amazing. My pussy is buzzing and i reach between my legs and rub my clit. I'm so wet.
SLAP
The noise, the feel, the look in his eyes causes me to rub harder and search for his dripping cock with my tongue. 'Smack me again' i say and although J never likes to hurt me, my obvious thrusting and squirming confirms my complete pleasure.
J fucks my face then wanks into my open mouth. I swallow and smile and wonder if the bruises will show through my make up.

Outdoor Sex

2007-07-10T12:37:00.000-07:00

Holiday sex is always good, outdoor holiday sex even better.
After lunch we went for a walk along a coastal path. We passed walkers in their suitable footwear and with rucksacks. I wore a very small dress and very large sunglasses. J already had naughty intentions.

We took the road less travelled, prickly plants scratching my bare legs. 1 minute later we found a low wall amongst the plants and trees. J stripped off, his cock already hard and shiny wet. He sat on the wall. I took him between my lips and tasted him. Sucking him in the fresh air, feeling how aroused he was got me wet and aching.
My turn.
I bent over the wall, lifted my dress as he slipped inside me. I came instantly, he groaned as my juices covered his balls and dripped down our legs.
Again.
He thrust deep inside me as i watched walkers pass by not far away. I wanted to be naked, i pulled my dress down. His hands quickly grabbed my breasts and squeezed my nipples hard.
Fuck, i came again.
I wanted to be watched. As he fucked me i imagined seeing someone, touching themselves, turned on by our sex. J came inside me.

Our come trickled down my legs as we rejoined the path and headed home.