On a scrap of paper i have the final post i was going to make.
You have probably seen it coming, the difficulties i have in writing what i want to say without hurting J but at the same time being true. It all got too much and in the middle of a hideous storm; emotion, hurt, confusion all flying around wildly, it was decided that was it . No more blog.
NO. MORE. BLOG.
If that is what it takes, i am prepared to do it. Give it all up. Stop doing something i have come to love. Maybe this seems silly but i have cried buckets over the thought of not being able to write. I know what i have to say isn't ground breaking or especially clever but the relief i have felt in the past couple of months has been utterly overwhelming and so incredibly reassuring that i've wept. Many times. This has been simply the most amazing discovery and thank you all for letting me in. Reading your words has made me feel less alone than i ever thought possible.
Skulking around the playground on Friday pick up, wearing huge sunglasses to cover my smeared mascara and red eyes ( i really am the worlds most unattractive crier) it hit me. I am not a victim. Stop feeling so sorry for yourself girl. Get up, get on with it. I'm 31. I've worked hard to get to this place in my head, starting to accept that i'm actually OK. I'm not giving it up, no way. I'm not falling apart and i am unable to explain what that knowledge means to me. It's HUGE is the best i can do.
I have always wanted someone to tell me what to do but hooray, hooray, hooray, i don't anymore.
I know what to do.
I'm scaring myself now! I'm terrified if i can tell you the truth. But that's alright, terrified in a good way if that makes any sense at all. I'm still here.
Someone told me that maybe this is a good thing, that this needed to happen. They are right. Because now i know for absolute certain that i can do this, this life and all the stuff that it brings. I can prioritize and establish what is important and what is crucial.
So, as you can see i'm still blogging and with the support of those around me.
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7 comments:
Hugs to you n
I understand what you are saying.
Try and take care of yourself and do what is right for you in the first instance. Otherwise all else fails in the end I think.
Keep up the good fight.
x.
You have to be Ok with who you are not anyone else.
You are gorgeous ,now you just have to learn to realy believe it.
px
If you need to talk just email me. Sorry that he put you through all this.
Nobody has the right to stop anyone from expressing themselves.
do what you feel is right. That's all I've gott say.
xx
Goodness knows the park should fete you with champagne, not tears, lovliest n. I know that you have people and places to continue to write and shore yourself up, there are always ways. I trust you will prevail in discovering, I only wish there were nothing in your way of it here.
Ruf encouraged me to write my blog. But when he asked for the addie so he could read it, I was very uncertain.
After a little thought, I gave it to him anyway. Over the last few weeks, my blog has been an invaluable of saying to him some of the things that I couldnt say face to face. There are still one or two things that I dont post because they are just too personal to us, but this blog now gives me the courage to be able to say those things to him direct.
I hope that this new you will draw on that same courage x
I've had that absolute conviction a few times, and it has always stayed with me. Hang on to it, and be true to yourself x
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